DAVID POSH – AKA RODEO DAVE

A SQUAW'S TALE

2010-07-07T10:43:00.004+01:00

Yee ha, muskrats, its Rodeo Dave here.

Being a sheriff in a one horse town ain't that easy, but I like to think that little old me can bring some sunshine to the lives of the settlers that inhabit this great land of ours – ya’ll know what a mean don’t you, a bit like Doris Day in Calamity Jane, except without the songs!

That’s how I feel about “Second Hand Wife Of Firefighter”, a squaw who ain’t had an easy like to say the least. Poor old Second Hand, she was orphaned at the tender age of 2 when one of the Dixon brothers from the Kelco Ranch sold her Mar and Par to the circus (apparently people with webbed feet and gills are something of an attraction in Alabama). Anyways, after many years in the wilderness, she made a name for herself selling perms and blue rinses to beaver hunters. Seeing an opening, she joined them their hunters and headed for the hills. Man, how those hunters loved their beaver! Second Hand made a lot of money for her services during this period, and as a result she was able to open her own little old saloon (sorry, that should read salon, I get confused with the two mighty easy) on the Voko Reservation, this time servicing Indians and on occasions, buffalos.

As time progressed, Second Hand fell in love with a firefighter from a one horse town nearby. The dude in question not only owned his own bucket, but he also had his own tipi, an inheritance from his own Mar and Par who sadly passed away at the hands of a circus act who left duck shaped footprints in the sand and were last seen diving into Cactus Creek. The relationship was however doomed to failure, and pretty soon both husband and bucket disappeared to find a better life yonder of Lugano Ridge.

Undeterred by the number of deaths that were surrounding her, Second Hand shacked up with a hillbilly redneck from way down south. Going by the name of Paul the Kid, he and Second Hand set up their own little love nest in the same tipi once occupied by the man with the bucket. Things all appeared to be as sweet as ma mama’s best apple pie, until Second Hand and the Kid took a stage coach to the city and got hitched after drinking a bottle of unfiltered coyote urine. From that day onwards, the relationship collapsed and after a heavy session on the old fire water, Second Hand opened her flaps and kicked the Kid out of the tipi for good.

Shortly after this eviction, I rode into the Voko Reservation and both our lives changed for good. It was “whip crack away” from the first moment Second Hand ran her fingers through my hair (singular).

Come back soon ya’ll. This story is like a buffalo on speed – it just goes on and on!

FULL LENGTH FILMS COMING SOON TO A RANCH NEAR YOU –

“TRUE SHIT” – the story of a sheriff in a one horse town who forgot to lay the tumble weed at the memorial to commemorate those who died during “Blusters Last Stand”.

“THE MAGNIFICENT THREE” – how a sheriff and his two deputies defied all odds and got themselves re elected to office by a horse in a one vote town.

“A FIST FULL OF POUNDS” – how a sheriffs expense claims for first class stage coach travel were used to feed his coyote dung habit.

“EL DORADO” – the story of a famous restaurant frequented by sheriffs with rusty bullet holes

“THE WILD BUNCH” – Rodeo Dave, Doc Milburn and Boss Hogg McWoody take the Mayor’s stage coach out for a spin.

“LITTLE BIG MAN” – Rodeo Dave adds an extra inch to his knee high snake skin boots in an attempt to get on his horse without the aid of a stool.

“HIRED HANDS” – Paul Pinfield and Graham Rigg star as a couple of hapless red neck cowboys who are prepared to do any bodies dirty work as long as they remain anonymous. (Laurel and Hardy rejected the chance to play the leading roles).

Buffalo Itch and the Cowboy Clap

2010-07-05T14:54:00.005+01:00

Howdy partners!

How y’all hanging in there?

I’m mighty fine, apart from a dose of buffalo itch which is proving resistant to even the best snake oil lotion.

“Second Hand Wife Of Firefighter” doesn’t have a clue how I got the cowboy clap, but I shall reveal all later.

Things will be a bit quite over the next few days. The State Governor Paul Pinfield is in town and I have to entertain him. When I say “entertain”, I mean provide him with liquor, a good cowhand and several piles of coyote dung – that critter sure can smoke some shit!

Remember rednecks, she may be your sister, but the bible don’t allow that type of thing!

Hang in there dudes!

COMING TO TOWN ON THE NEXT STAGE COACH:

How “Second Hand Wife Of Firefighter”s tipi was broken into and her horse stolen

Why the rest of the squaws in the reservation are jealous of “Second Hand Wife Of Firefighter”s relationship with a sheriff.

Marriage: Why the Dominican Republic is no place to get married.

The Voko Reservation: Part Two

2010-07-01T22:24:00.004+01:00

After two nights living in the wilderness (I camped on the first night with the pikey’s next to the A19) I arrived at the Voko Reservation.

I wasn’t there to chew the buffalo fat.

With my best Clint Eastwood grin, I muttered “The names Dave, Rodeo Dave, and I need hair”.

I was ushered into a big tipi, removed of my beaver jacket (it was split) and purple checked shirt, and sat down in front of a mirror.

Fellow cowboys, from that moment my life changed.

Red Indian Squaw’s are internationally known for their ability to restore balding thatches, but they are not normally known for their beauty. To be frank, they normally look like Cury’s wife and smell like McWoody’s sporran. However, the vision that greeted me transgressed the standard association of a likeness to a decaying musk rat – this Indian crimper was blessed with good looks, no facial hair and yes dear reader, she had all her own teeth!

I was in love, and this time I didn’t have to pay for the privilege!

After a meagre two hair transplants (pubic buffalo hair is the best), three blue rinses and a full hour of deep root Brylcreem application, I had moved into “Second Hand Wife Of Fire-Fighter”s tipi.

Whilst our cultural differences worried me, I sought solace in my well accumulated knowledge of second hand goods (who can forget my experience with Sky Remote’s).

Whilst the love between a sheriff and his Squaw may transgress these boundaries, how would they survive against the accusations of “third hand goods”?

Like a redneck taking a leak into the sunset, all will be revealed later!

COMING SOON

WHO ACTUALLY OWNS “SECOND HAND WIFE OF FIRE FIGHTERS” TIPI – AN IN DEPTH REPORT

WHAT IS THE KELCO INDIAN DEFINITION OF THIRD HAND GOODS?

ARE BOXER SHORTS A COWBOY FASHION ACCESSORY?

The Voko Reservation: Part One

2010-07-01T21:06:00.001+01:00

Being a sheriff in a one horse town isn’t easy, but being a sheriff in a one horse town with a reseeding hair line is worse!

Can you imagine what it is like to enter the saloon bar at the Red Lion, only to be greeted with the cries of “Howdy Rodeo Dave, have the Indians scalped you again?”

Clearly, the time had come to reverse the decline in the amount of tumble weed which has been attached to my head for the last few years.

In times of need, I have always taken the good advice administered by my old Aunt Fanny. Lately, Fanny has being having her bush trimmed at the Voko Reservation, a regular haunt of the Apache, Cheyenne and Kelco Indian tribes. She swears by their “Blue Rinse Supreme All In One Dandruff De-Druffer” offer, which is only available on every second Monday of the month.

Could this wonder wash be the solution to my thatch problems?

As I saddled my trusty beast and rode off in to the sunset, the eternal question crossed my mind – would I ever find hair, and would I ever find love?

(Everybodies going for those) Kinky Boots

2010-06-28T10:02:00.003+01:00

Howdy dudes!

Like that other crazy cowboy Borat, I went for a road trip round the US of A. After a hard election campaign, I decided I needed a change of image and embarked on a journey to get in touch with the real “me”. I sold all my second hand Sky Remotes (batteries not included), handed the lease for the market stall to the Malcovitch Brothers (cheers Malla, you have always looked after me), packed my tartan holdall and headed off to the land of plenty.

Oh boy, what an experience. Whilst there dear reader, I had a remarkable emotional awakening. I discovered that beneath this vulnerable and caring veneer, there lurked a yearning to be a cowboy (and not the type that Pongo Khan keeps alluding to).

Whilst in Texas, I popped into a local burger bar famed for its Gordon’s Gin Burger, comprising of prime beef marinated in gin (a bit like myself really). As I tucked into this culinary splendour, who should sidle up to me but the stunt double of Daisy Duke, that fine filly from The Dukes of Hazzard. Clad top to toe in tasselled leather and smelling of pure snake oil, she represented a vision of the most beautiful rodeo angel I had ever seen in my life. Childhood dreams flooded back……being scared of Doctor Who and The Daleks, Rick Astley, wetting the bed…..but mostly the long lost desire to be a cowboy. From that moment fellow prairie dogs, I knew I had found my vocation in life. I was no longer David Posh, entrepreneur and politician, but Rodeo Dave, Bare Back Rider and Horse Whisperer!

The next few weeks were spent breaking in donkeys, drinking Jack Daniels, dancing with wolves and smelling of horseshit. At last I had found my true grit.

Sadly, like all my good holidays. I was deported back to the UK for alcohol abuses. As I flew home in chains and reflected on my transformation, I decided that things had to change. Six hours later I was back in that one horse town of Cleawood and East Bilburn. I had scores to settle and therefore kitted myself out in my new garb – Wranglers, knee high snake skin boots, a purple checked shirt and most important of all, my rusty sheriffs badge!

I entered the saloon at the Red Lion, greeted by the cheers of “There’s that cowboy Posh” and “The Cannon Ball Run must be in town”. I sauntered to the bar, the duke box in the background playing the tune to “Rawhide”. I held the barman’s stare, “Make mine a double” I growled. “Don’t you mean a treble Posh, that’s what you normally have?”

With gin in one hand and my cap gun in the other, I surveyed the saloon.

“There’s a new sheriff in town folks, and I mean to clean up the area”.

And that folks is how I got the name Rodeo Dave.

COMING SOON

“HOW I FELL IN LOVE”

“THIS TOWN AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US”

“THE GOOD, THE BAD AND CURLY'S WIFE”

“ONCE UPON A TIME IN CLEAWOOD AND EAST BILBURN”

“THE GREAT EXPENSES ROBBERY”

“CALAMITY ANGELA”

“SEVEN BRIBES FOR TWO BROTHERS”

and

“HOW I RODE THE DIXON FAMILY OFF THE KELCO RANCH”

Whip crack away!

2010-06-28T08:57:00.002+01:00

Pip pip, I’m back!

After a hard fought local election campaign that saw me deliver leaflets to 3 houses, yours truly felt that he deserved a little break. In true grit fashion, I booked a little sojourn to the good old US of A. I had a wonderful time and really got to discover the cowboy in me. More posts on my trip later dear readers.

I am also glad to tell you that I am in love! Yes fans, cupid has shot its arrow of love into my heart. Musings will also appear on this subject in due time, but put it this way, Mills and Boon having nothing on The Posh when it comes to romantic stories.

See you later fellow fops, I’m of for a free cut and blow job!

CRASH TEST DUMMY

2010-02-05T16:51:00.004Z

Despite the fact that my father, Lord Posh of St Nicholas Villas, has crashed his Rolls Royce into a group of peasants (sorry, that should read pheasants) I have still found time to update my “other” Twitter accounts.

I have forgiven Daddykins for the crash. After all, I did in the past wreck his car after a night on the treble gins and Vimto's.

But then again, I was under age.

I wonder WHO may have a copy of THAT police report!

Don’t forget the caption competition folks!

PS - THE CRASH WAS ON WEDNESDAY, BUT IT TOOK ME TWO DAYS TO ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT THAT I SHOULD GIVE A SHIT!

SORRY POPS - I HAD THE BNP TO FIGHT.

POSTER BOY

2010-02-05T13:06:00.003Z

I have decided to start my campaign for the local elections early. My first task will be to have a series of election posters printed which will then be posted above the urinals in The Red Lion.

Below are the three images that I will be using (The Red Lion has three urinals, even though I struggle to actually hit one!). I want some catchy election phrases to go with the posters, but words often fail me, especially after a raft of treble gins and Vimto. I have therefore decided to run a caption competition. The author of the best caption wins a night out with yours truly, and their comments on the poster.

Please enter Karen……..please!

CAPTION COMPETITION

2010-02-05T13:05:00.002Z

CAPTION COMPETITION

2010-02-05T12:49:00.001Z

CAPTION COMPETITION

2010-02-05T12:45:00.002Z

BNP (But No Posh) IN PRIMROSE

2010-02-05T12:19:00.001Z

POLICE REPORT CONCERNING COUNCILLOR DAVID POSH
OFFICER DIBBLE IN ATTENDANCE

1. Received an email from my Chief Inspector informing me that I had drawn the short straw and would have to speak to Councillor Posh about his email and councillors who laugh at him.
2. After plucking up the courage, I visited Margaret Thatcher Towers only to find that Councillor Posh was not in. I spoke to a neighbour who said she had no knowledge of his whereabouts, though a man wearing a wig was seen entering and leaving the premises on many occasions.
3. As I was under strict instructions to inform Councillor Posh that laughing at people is not a crime and that he should pull his socks up and stop crying, I made a series of enquiries as to his location.
4. Research revealed that he had “stood down” (Scottish for sacked) as a parliamentary candidate in Scotland in order to fight the BNP in South Tyneside.
5. I immediately visited the Primrose Ward, as the BNP were fielding a candidate at a bye election.
6. Residents informed me that despite the BNP being very active in the ward, Councillor Posh had not been seen campaigning with Conservative Party activists. Many people referred to him as a “b**l sh*tter”, a fraud, and a closet Nazi. When I mentioned the reasons for him being deselected in Scotland, the words “cock and bull story”, “smoke screen” and “wig” were frequently mentioned.
7. I have decided not to pursue this matter, nor the issue of his email, as both are a complete waste of police time.

LET THE RUMOUR MILL BURN!

2010-02-04T12:03:00.002Z

The rumour mill has been at it again and I have had to take some very valuable time off from doing nothing to set the record straight on a couple of issues.

Firstly, I have not been asked to repay any of my expenses by Sir Thomas Legg. I am not an MP, and never will be thanks to those hairy marauding Scottish ginger lefties.

Secondly, I shall not be leaving the Conservative Party, crossing the political divide, and joining the Liberals, just because they used to be called “The Whigs”.

Hopefully that should clear up any rumours doing the rounds of the local pubs.

TOUPEE OR NOT TOUPEE, THAT IS THE QUESTION

2010-02-04T10:57:00.001Z

HOW DO YOU MEASURE POPULARITY?

2010-02-03T11:14:00.002Z

A good question dear reader, a good question.

For myself, I use the measurement of how many Freedom of Information enquiries have been lodged against you.

At the moment, I am top of the Town Hall list of the most probed councillor.

However, I do object to the latest enquiry:

“How many of Councillor Posh’s hairs on his barnet are actually his own?”

THE YOKES ON STINKER

2010-01-28T12:29:00.003Z

As the national election campaign gathers pace, things in this old neck of the woods are also “hotting” up. That vixen Karen Allen (double grrr) has got her own website, and has instigated a “state of the Borough” survey. The only problem is that she hasn’t included any pictures of yours truly either on the site or in the brochure. I must speak to her about this, if I can get the banning order lifted about not phoning her in the early hours of the morning whilst having an asthma attack (Officer, I was not heavy breathing done the line!).

I did have similar plans for my campaign in Scotland, but they were kicked in the gorbals when the old haggis brigade realized that I was in fact English and not Rab C Nesbitt's long lost brother.

I have therefore decided to divert all my efforts to Stinker Milburn’s (grrr) election site. At a recent strategy meeting in The Cottage, Milber’s and I opted for a low key approach to the forthcoming vote, favouring sparsity over commitment.

I think Stinker’s site reflects my political acumen – it basically has nothing to it, it reflects our total disdain for local and national politics, and it is just an empty, moribund shell!

Pip pip punters until later, when I will reveal why I had to make a rapid exist from a certain council committee meeting!

Karen4southshields.co.uk

Jeff4jarrow.co.uk

POLITICS IS A DIRTY BUSINESS

2010-01-24T19:27:00.001Z

As my old chum Cheesey Muldoon used to say, “Posh, you’re a dip stick”, but then he would say “Politics is a dirty business, people get used, but you have to play dirty to win”.

I have always stuck to that dictum and when necessary, I have played dirty.

Take for instance my latest spat with Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry!). Basically the man won’t leave me alone. All I want to do is go along my merry little way, not attending council meetings, collecting my expenses for being idle and generally make outrageous and unfounded accusations about him – but the bounder won’t let me!

Lately, the cad’s actions have really ruffled my thinning gander to such a degree that I have had to start playing “dirty”.

Step forward my good friend, fellow market trader (but not a dealer in second hand Sky remotes, batteries not included) and political stool pigeon, Paul Penfold.

Paul has always been a great fan of that great fighter of crime, “Danger Mouse”. Such is his love of the big eared rodent, that he had his surname changed by deed pole to reflect DM’s side kick.

Penfold has been a great friend of mine for……well, it must be several weeks now. Whilst we have never actually met (well, we have met on Twitter. Consider it somewhat akin to internet dating), Paul has agreed to join my gang and have a poke at Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry!). In fact that’s how we shall be known – the “Lets Poke Pongo Gang” – membership 2!

Sadly, this is where the dirty bit comes in. Penfold is totally ignorant of my political baggage. He has no idea that I have a total disrespect for my ward members, he actually thinks I go to meetings and he is ignorant of the “profit margin” that I employ when it comes to claiming expenses. He is so gullible that he even thinks I have hair as long as Curtis Stigers!

However, he is daft enough to do what I tell him. Not only that, if anything should actually hit the fan, he will get covered, not me.

In other words, I am Danger Mouse, and he is the dippy side kick, Penfold.

Politics really is a dirty business, and people do get used.

But I’m polytetrafluorethylene coated!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teflon_(nickname)

DAVID POSH: HE PLAYS HOME AND AWAY

2010-01-17T17:12:00.004Z

Despite all my current trials and tribulations (and when I say trials, there possibly could be one) I have still found time to honour one of my New Years resolutions – the one concerning a good clear out.

I have shredded all my phone call records, my expenses claims receipts (1) and copies of all those love letters I sent to a certain Shields Gazette reporter* (female of course).

Yesterday I decided to spring clean my football replica shirts and ditch those that don’t have many memories attached to them.

Many of you will not be aware of the fact that The Posh is a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to Premier League football clubs, or to be more correct, the free corporate entertainment that they offer. To be honest, I cant stand the game – it’s just to rough for a man who is thinning a bit on top. However, the grub is good and they often have a free bar. That is why I have in the past often referred to “Sunderland AFC” as the “lads”, but then quite happily taken up the offer on a couple of free tickets for “Newcastle United FC”. As you well know my fellow football pundees – a prawn sandwich tastes the same regardless of whom you support!

Basically, every football shirt I owned equated to a free “booze and bait” trip to somewhere that I had managed to add my name to the team “freebie” sheet. Boy, I must have had hundreds of tops in my wardrobe!

However, one top stood out – the home strip for Hull City football club. What a year that was! The Posh has always been good at spinning plates, but this one was purely belter. I had a gal in one school, and a reserve in another school (teachers of course). Gal number 1 however, was a relative of Phil Broon, Hull City manager. In return for wining, dining and not being sick on her shoes, I managed to get numerous free tickets to the KC Stadium.

If that wasn’t good enough, the clubs nickname is “The Tigers”!

I was in love and totally hooked – not with the gal, but with the freebies.

Sadly, all free (that should read “good”) things come to an end. I don’t know if said schoolteacher found out about my extra curricula activities, or whether it was the fact that Broon was rumoured to be facing the axe, but the tickets dried up and so did the love affair (with the club, not the gal. God knows what happened to her).

I am now on the look out for a new club and a new gal.

*NOTE TO SELF – MUST CONTACT HER AGAIN. IF HER BOYFRIEND IS NO LONGER HERE, SHE MAY GO OUT WITH ME, PROVIDING SHE HAS LOST HER EYESIGHT, HER SENSE OF SMELL, HER MARBLES, HER SENSE OF DECENCY, HER JOB AND HAS NO WHERE TO LIVE. OH YES, AND HERE’S HOPING SHE LIKES A MAN WITH A SPARSE THATCH.

GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO!

HELP! HELP! HELP!

2010-01-17T00:01:00.003Z

Oh my god, I have a doppelganger.

That explains a few things.

This impostor must have the wreath!

When I find out who it is, she is so dead.

I have already emailed the police, the FBI/CIA/MI5/MI6/Special Branch/The Professionals/ The Persuaders/Danger Man/The Prisoner/Thunderbirds/Frost/Inspector Morse/Rebus/Sherlock Holmes/Hong Kong Phooey/Inch High Private Eye/Scooby Doo etc etc etc.

I now have an army of detectives working for one cause – to stop people laughing at me!

http://twitter.com/cllrdavidpotts

SLAP HEAD

2010-01-14T12:04:00.002Z

Achtung Himmel dear fans and constituents, sorry things have been a bit quite lately, but I have once again been forced to keep my ample head well below the rampart.

Basically, I have two very uber problems at the moment (that’s two, not to, or too).

Firstly, the left wing, lesbian, bible bashing, Doc Marten clad, hippy, vegetarian and just about female element of the Council are a bit miffed about a certain reference I supplied for a certain purveyor of domestic violence. Sometimes this equality lark real ruffles my receding hairline. Let me settle this matter once and for all. Women can be somewhat….. challenging, and as such inadvertently put themselves in the position where they need a good put down, or as with the actions of my good chum, a good cuffing in the form of a punch and a slap. Take my cleaner for example. She hasn’t washed the windowsills, she can’t put a razor sharp crease down the front of my Y fronts and she has lost my hairbrush (and probably a wreath as well). I have therefore decided to insult her via my Twitter account, firstly to let her know she is sacked and needs a good sorting, and b, so that I can let you all know that I am rich and posh enough to have a cleaner. (Some people may find my actions a little over the top, but a mans hairbrush, regardless of his thinning thatch, is his pride and joy. Plus, I have a nagging feeling she has been using it to comb her beard).

I hope this sets the record straight and that all the “oppressed” in the Town Hall are now well aware of my stance on this matter. (Please, please, please – no more burning bra’s via the internal mail!)

My second problem concerns Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry). The man must live on nitrous oxide, such is his ability to laugh. The problem is, it’s always at my expense. How dare he raise the issue of the Overview Scrutiny Coordinating and Call In Committee! Yes, I did ask at the last meeting for the matter of CAF grants to be included on the agenda, and why not? Every time I attempt to get a grant for the Cleawood Bridge Club or the Red Lion Social Circle, the Stalinist’s from Boldon Oldtown knock me back (that’s if I turn up to be knocked back). What Pongo has conveniently failed to mention however, is that whilst I did ask for the issue to be added to the agenda, I never said I would be turning up at the meeting.

Get out of that one Pongo!

Well dear reader, life must go on, and I have some rather large underpants to iron on the windowsill. I also have some very pressing Council matters to attend to, including another email to PC Dibble about people’s use of nitrous oxide and also a call to a fellow market trader in Leicester.

BETRAYED

2010-01-09T21:39:00.001Z

I have a mole and he lives in a ...........................

THE POSH WAY TO TRAVEL

2010-01-09T21:20:00.004Z

Following on from the success of Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry!) and his snow bound shopping service, Stinker Milburn has acquired the following free ride for the “needy” and “deprived” people living in my “constituency”:

TIMETABLE: MAYORS LIMO

1. RUNNING ON THE HOUR
THE COTTAGE – BRITANNIA INN – GREY HORSE – BLACK HORSE – RED LION

2. RETURN JOURNEY
RED LION – BLACK HORSE – GREY HORSE – BRITANNIA INN – THE COTTAGE

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY BUCKET DEAR LIZA, OR STINKER, OR MCWOODY, OR THAT VIXEN ALLEN....

2010-01-09T20:55:00.006Z

Somebody, somewhere, leaks like a sieve.

Stop laughing at me – I will get you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There's_a_Hole_in_My_Bucket

MEMO TO SELF:1

2010-01-09T20:09:00.003Z

Things to chase up next week:

1. Date of reconvened CAF
2. Must find wreath
3. Contact police – they must stop people from laughing at me.
4. Contact Paul Penfold – he must review his contacts list!
5. Personal phone calls – review calls paid for by Council. Delete those made to Lalon Amin/Spice Central.
6. Personal phone calls – review calls paid for by Council. Delete those made to Samaritans when the Scot’s kicked me out.

A MAN WHO LOVES TO BE SURROUNDED BY RUBBISH

2010-01-08T17:15:00.005Z

Hello followers of The Posh, my name is George Epsom, horse trainer and supporter of all things green and recyclable, including my council speeches.

A couple of weeks ago David contacted me and asked for a couple of tips for the South Tyneside Kentucky Chicken Bumper Bucket Derby (he needs the ready cash to pay for his gin and Vimto’s), together with a request to write a guest piece for his little on line diary.

To be honest, writing is a little difficult as I have a severe injury to my shoulder which was sustained in my attempts to save the planet (more on that later) but having very large webbed feet, I am also able to hold a pen between my right toes, so I was happy to oblige and send him this foot penned script.

I first met The Posh in…now where was it…..oh yes, a pub. He was with Professor Steve Harrison-Ford, though they were both in disguise. Harrison-Ford’s facade was very easy to see through (and still is) but Posh was a bit more difficult to spot – he was disguised as a Councillor, and I had never seen him like that before. It didn’t however take me long to realize who he was – it was the smell of Vimto and sick splattered shoes that gave him away.

To make a long story even longer, we all got on like a house on fire.

We all had many common features.

Harrison-Ford could fall out with himself in an empty room; I didn’t even need the room. As for Posh, he certainly liked a room, especially at The Little Haven (he prefers the linen room, they get all the dirty sheets).

Not long after this Harrison-Ford and I became a double act performing on the Council expenses circuit and earning a reputation (and a good free wage) as supporters of the main act, The Malcovitch Brothers. Potts is a very good understudy who will probably one day join our exclusive little circus.

Perhaps a little background information about myself will wet your appetite for a series of articles I have planned for this site. I am a horse trainer with a difference. When I enter my horses in a race, I don’t expect them to win. I am paid by other trainers to put any old nag in the stalls with the sole aim of “crowding” the field, either to stop the favourite from winning, or to let some other three legged pony sneak in by the back door.

2009 was a very busy time for me, my most memorable race being the Beacon and Bents Re-Run Cup. Sadly, Councillor Pongo Khan, who romped home three days before my donkey managed to pass the finish line, won the race. I have no objections to the likes of Pongo coming into the Borough, winning races and attracting all the best jockeys, but I sometimes wish he would go back to where he came from – surely Yorkshire has its own Council?

I am expecting 2010 to be equally as busy. I have already had several requests from the Malcovitch Stable of Retired Pit Pony’s for my three legged donkey to run in a couple of ward races across the Borough in May. As I told them, the old nag can only be in one ward at a time, so they will have to decide which race is important to them.

When I’m not involved in knobbling elections (sorry, that should read races) I like to concentrate my efforts on saving the planet. I first got into all things green when I realized I could get a lot of publicity out of it. However, at the time I had no idea how dangerous being an eco warrior could be. As the summer months progressed, it became apparent that I would have to give my bush a good trim. My garden is very large, and had become over grown. Being a man of the earth, I put all my foliage into my green recyclable bin. It soon became full, so I jumped in, attempting to squash the contents to the bottom. Sadly the lid fell shut, I became trapped and four days later I was still there, covered in thorns, worms and spiders. I couldn’t get a mobile phone signal, and all my cries for help were ignored, a little bit like when I speak at council meetings.

I was only rescued when the bin man came. Even then, I was still tipped into the wagon, only being saved when the lads at Millfield saw my head sticking above the compost. I am very grateful to them, but I wish they would stop calling me “Stig of the Dump”.

I did sustain some very painful injuries. I had a dislocated tongue, my shoulder was severely bruised, and my ego had a massive dent. These injuries will heal with time, but it’s the taunts and jibes which really hurt and sting; “Here he comes, it’s George Dusty Bin Laden”, “Where have you bin for the last four days George” and “How did the lads at Millfield tell you apart from the other piles of rubbish”. People can be so cruel.

Life goes on however and hopefully after a couple of years the jokes will stop.

If not, I’ll just have to give them something else to laugh at, wont I?

STOP LAUGHING AT ME

2010-01-08T14:31:00.004Z

Many of you may recall that some time ago The Posh was burgled by an international gang of Ninja Turtle burglars, gaining entry via my back passage way and steeling some very sensitive material.

Despite the involvement of the local police, Interpol, the CIA and FBI, Zanetti Security Consultants, PC Dibble and Scooby Doo, the villainous culprits have not been apprehended.

I have always considered the violation of my back passage to be a political hate crime, the perpetrators seeking revenge for my success in banishing the BNP from the Borough of South Tyneside.

However, one of my neighbours informs me that they were also burgled on the same night, the “modus operandi” being very similar.

Yeah right, like they have several Mickey Mouse Rolex watches as well!

As I informed my neighbours, not only are they pheasants (sorry, that should read peasants), but the burglary of their cardboard box abodes was clearly due to the fact that the Ninjas were either on a practise run, or they got the wrong house.

Suffice to say, I suspect that the local police have not been taking my plight as seriously as they might. I have asked for visits from Victim Support and Crime Prevention Officers, yet nobody has been to see me. Perhaps they don’t have my address, but they know they can always find me in The Red Lion.

Whilst I appreciate that the police may have other less serious crimes to tackle, such as murder, rape, international terrorism, racial abuse, missing ballot box fraud, and dare I say it, domestic violence, I do feel that I have somewhat been given the cold shoulder.

I am slowly moving (as you know dear reader, I never doing anything with haste – ask my “constituents”) towards making a complaint to the PCC. Surely as a major political, cultural and economic influence within South Tyneside, I deserve special treatment?

I shall also be asking them to look into a certain tricky legal question and conundrum, and if necessary, seek a judgement from the Supreme Court of Appeal:

“Is it a crime to laugh at me?”

CHASING THE SHIRT TALES……….

2010-01-07T22:14:00.003Z

Drat, double drat and triple drat, Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry!) was the first to tell everybody that the Cleawood and East Bilburn CAF had been quashed due to the bad weather.

As Yvonne Fair sang on “Bridget Jones Diary 2” (a cheesy film worthy of the attention of The Posh):

“It Should Have Been Me”.

But it wasn’t, because I couldn’t give a f**k if you go or not.

MY TOP TELLY..........

2010-01-07T19:05:00.002Z

Whilst gritting the entrance to my favourite restaurant (Gregg’s, King Street) a lovely little boy came up to me and said:

“Posh, what’s your favourite telly tubby”.

I looked him in the eye (he only had one) and said:

“The Samsung 42” Flat Screen Quattro, HD ready, with multi screen complex speakers, WITH SECOND HAND Sky Remote (batteries not included). And don’t call me tubby, you little oink”.

THE GREAT ESCAPE

2010-01-07T18:44:00.004Z

One of my favourite films is “The Great Escape”, and my favourite TV programme is “Call My Bluff”.

Oh boy, have I just had one, and oh girl, did I just call it!

Due to the bad weather, the Cleawood and East Bilburn CAF meeting has been cancelled. Whilst other people felt it was rather dangerous to risk the journey, I myself was prepared to forgo my own safety, risk life and limb, and take the short walk from The Britannia Inn to Cleawood Primary School – there’s nothing like a gin soaked breath to melt the snow!

Then again, I may have decided to just sit in the Red Lion and avoided all the flak. Either way, the decision was taken out of my hands.

Any road up, it’s back to the alter of the snow god for some serious praying. All I need now is another bout of bad weather for the February and March bash - that way I may return to botch up another Remembrance Sunday without to much hassle!

A SORDID LITTLE ALLIANCE

2010-01-07T15:04:00.003Z

For those of you who don’t know me (especially those north of The Boldon Lad), my name is Professor Steve Harrison-Ford. I am a member of the Really Fully Truly Totally Definitely Non Aligned Independent Party, representing the ward of Fellworth and Hedgate.

I have recently received an honorary degree from The University of Splitters, and I have found myself working flat out on the lecture circuit. Talking of lecherers, I have taken time out from my busy schedule to write a short dissertation for my good friend David Posh. When it comes to dissertations, this is a first for me, but more about that next week.

My friendship with Posh goes back years, but we share a terrible secret.

We first met in a pub. In fact, we always met in a pub. David was always more relaxed when surrounded by the gentle clatter of glasses, the sound of a juke box, the rattle of dominoes, the splatter of sick in the toilets and of course the clink of a treble gin and vimto.

Our get togethers were very clandestine, and we had to meet in disguise. I was always dressed as a taxi driver, Posh always impersonated a councillor. It was like something out of “Allo Allo”; I was the resistance member, he couldn’t resist a drink.

We always had to meet in busy places where we weren’t known and wouldn’t be recognised; Posh would always suggest the Council chamber or a CAF meeting, but I preferred the busy pubs of South Shields.

As I write this little muttering I can feel the shame flooding back. The horror of my actions still sometimes over whelms me and I remember the constant feelings of fear that my family, friends and political colleagues would discover my terrible, dirty and unsavoury secret.

You see, David and I share a stigma which has been a burden and a stain on my soul since I became involved in the whole immoral mess. For some time he and I were……..god, it hurts just typing it…..we…………………… we were……….gulp…….involved in discussions as to which wards Posh would not put up a candidate for the 2009 council elections.

God, it was disgusting. When it came to his turn in 2010, Posh was prepared to leave certain wards unchallenged in 2009 in return for a free run in his own back yard.

David was very clever with his duplicity; his cohorts at Tory HQ had no idea what he was up to and his partner, Stinker Milburn, knew nothing of our dirty little meetings. Cheating on him was like a game, and he made me part of it. He swore me to secrecy, threatening to “out me” if I said anything to that vixen Allen. One day I just cracked and it all spilled out. I had felt so dirty and degraded that I couldn’t speak to anybody about it, apart from anybody who would listen.

For years I have carried this burden and I am glad to be given the opportunity to put my side of the story. I now know that I was used by The Posh – I was but a prawn in his very fishy game. Never mind not standing candidates, at the end of discussions the only thing not standing was him, he was so full gin and vimto.

I never really recovered from my actions, relationships broke down and I deserted those closest to me. When they found out what I had been up to behind their backs, I knew it was time to move on and form other alliances.

I am now in a new relationship, but I don’t think it will last. I have too many memories, and not enough votes. I have accepted that I am now on my own, with no friends and nobody to deliver leaflets for me. I am a man without a party, and pretty soon, a man without a ward.

If there is a moral to this sordid little affair, it is this: never trust a man who drinks gin and vimto, he always lets you down in the end, or should I say, he always falls down in the end.

POSH THE PIGEON

2010-01-04T21:05:00.002Z

Market trading has been a little slow lately, so I have been checking up on what some of my political adversaries have been saying about me. I was therefore very, very, very, very, very, very angry to read what Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry!) had been saying about my constituents. In fact, I was so angry, I snapped my Curly Wurly in sheer temper and nearly knocked my treble gin and Vimto over!

Whilst visiting a local watering hole in the ward (that’s my job Pongo!) he referred to the punters in the pub as “mutton dressed as lamb”. What a chump he is – the phrase is “mutton dressed as kleftiko”. These heathens really do get my gander up!

Pongo (he makes me so angry!) made these comments at the back end of last year. When I say back end, I mean in November 2009. I realize that it has taken me a very long time to pick up on this, but as you well know dear gin drinkers, time stands still in drunken haze of the run up to Christmas (it clearly states in my diary entry for July 2nd “Posh, start drinking for the run up to Christmas”).

The degree of anger is not limited to my Curly Wurly. Two people in the village of Cleawood are fuming to the degree that it has taken their minds of the fact that I forgot to lay the wreath on Remembrance Sunday.

Hopefully, others will jump on the mutton bandwagon and take the pressure off me a bit. All I need is for them to behave like sheep and I’m off the hook.

I’m actually surprised Pongo (he makes me so angry!) could find Cleawood Village. I myself however, have an internal GPS which acts like a homing pigeon. The secret is I use pubs as markers. That’s how I know where Cleawood Village is; it’s next to The Cottage pub!

Must fly dear reader, I have a bird fanciers meeting at The Red Lion near…err……, now what’s that place called again?

PS – Pongo (he makes me so angry!) has pointed out to me that I should not be referring to the people of Cleawood as “constituents”. The word actually covers those who live in a parliamentary boundary area, and I accept that I should have used the term “ward members”. Sadly, due to a fall out with the entire nation of Scotland, some extremely dubious expense claims and a small matter of a missing wreath, I will never have a constituency of my own. Sob, sob, waw, waw, boo hoo!

HE WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD.........

2010-01-02T17:21:00.002Z

I have a local CAF meeting on January 7th which I should really attend. However, news from The Red Lion and The Cottage grape vine is that the old “missing wreath” incident hasn’t gone down to well with the locals.

According to Cheesy Muldoon, a couple of serving members of the armed forces are on home leave in the ward and are not to impressed about the old “no show” on Remembrance Sunday.

Gulp, splutter, boo hoo, waw waw!

They are even going to turn up at the CAF and have their say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WEEKS GUEST IS........

2010-01-02T16:31:00.001Z

As the gin fuelled haze of another New Year vaporizes into the ether (see pictures below, more to follow) I can’t decide who to let write the next guest post. Steve Harrison-Ford has already sent his submission in, and two serving Councillor’s have also thrown their hats into the ring, one who trains horses and another who used to be a mad monk with a religious taste for the old pint of beer!

Frankly dear reader, I’m awash with requests to write for the old Man of Honour. I’ve even had a message from beyond the grave!

Who will be next campers!

NEW YEARS EVE PHOTO:003

2010-01-02T11:09:00.004Z

By the end of the night dear reader, I had terrible wind.

NEW YEARS EVE PHOTO: 002

2010-01-02T11:06:00.004Z

A quick slurp of Toilet Duck to freshen up the old breath!

NEW YEARS EVE PHOTO: 001

2010-01-02T10:22:00.003Z

Decided to go out with the boys on New Years Eve. Had a fab time. Happy New Year.

http://twitpic.com/w5div

THE FIRST DAY I MET THE POSH

2010-01-01T17:21:00.004Z

I was over the moon when David Posh rang me with the proposition of contributing to his blog. I was further elated when it emerged that I wouldn’t have to pay him any money for the privilege. Over the years I have always used the Council’s own publication, the “OnView” magazine, as a means of trying to get my views and wishes across to the electorate. However, I soon realized that it was only rabbits that were getting the message, as the publication in most cases always ended up lining the bottom of pet hutches across the region.

For my inaugural post I would like to reflect on the first time I met David Posh. As history trots along its path, it occasionally produces people of great political acumen. Posh is clearly not one of them, though he was one of the youngest people to become an elected member. As he sauntered into my office, I thought to myself, “it must be work experience week”. My secretary informed me that this was not the case, and neither was it “bob a job day”. The mistake was a very easy one to make. Posh was exquisitely turned out: his school shorts had a razor sharp crease, his Clark’s slip on sandals were polished to perfection and his Oakleigh Garden’s school badge was worn with pride. He looked every bit the 12 year old that he was.

“Morning Mr Malcovitch” he said in that high falsetto voice of a teenager who has yet to face the problem of a fluffy chin, smelly feet and unwanted spots. “I am having trouble with my homework. My expense claims are just not adding up”. To emphasise the point, he blew a massive Hubba Bubba bubble.

“That’s a pity” I said, “is maths not one of your best subjects?”.

“My ability to add up is not the issue Mr Mal” said Posh, wiping green snot on his coat sleeve, “the problem is the figure they add up to is not enough to keep a school boy in Curly Wurly’s, Texan Bars, pencils, rulers and rubbers”.

Since that day, Posh and I have met on regular occasions in order to ensure that his expenses always meet his expectations. His desires may have become increasingly more demanding, but he is still essentially the same school boy I met all those years ago. He still has that naive obsession with trains, especially first class travel, and he still loves a burger, especially a McDonalds or a Burger King Bumper Meaty Treat Eat All You Can Special. Basically, the child is still in him and he loves a free toy.

I have always relied on David’s support when faced with difficult votes, and to date he has never let me down. He has never acknowledged the political divide that exists between us, concentrating more on the moral principal that I have the pen and the cheque book, and he has the bank account.

No doubt 2010 will be very difficult for both of us. I’ve told him I can’t help with the re-election vote in May 2010; to many ballot boxes have already gone missing, a few more would look suspicious. Nor can I reduce the voting age to 13, thereby allowing his fellow pupils to vote for him.

All I can do is offer him my support, as long as he never mentions it. He also has my assurance that when his false ID is knocked back at Booze Buster, I will always buy his Bella for him.

That is the sign of a true friend.

I look forward with great haste to contributing to this site.

Yours from The Fountain’s Toilets

Iain Malcovitch

2010: THE YEAR OF THE POSH

2009-12-29T09:23:00.004Z

I awoke this morning (or was it this afternoon, I forget which) to the sound of a council gritter finally managing to find the time tackle the side streets and estates of the Borough. Though several days’ late, at least old people will be able to venture to the shops once more: not everybody has a butler don’t you know.

Whilst the snow has been great fun (as you all know dear campers, I’m very fond of the white stuff) it is starting to thaw, unlike the relationship between myself and that vixen Allen (double grrrrrrrr). As the long driveway into Margaret Thatcher Towers becomes once again passable for the Bentley, now seems like a good time to visit my ward, ignore all those residents concerns and hit the bar at The Red Lion.

First however, I must compile my list of New Year resolutions. I have managed to keep to a few of the targets I set myself at the start of 2009. By avoiding various council gatherings in November, I exceeded all estimates in “not” attending meetings. I have also managed to keep the expense claims flowing in, as will be revealed in April 2010 when the Council releases my figures. However, not all aims have been realized. I still have no prospective parliamentary constituency, and that vixen Allen (double grrrrrrrr) has some how managed to resist my manly charms (I must double my effort and double my gins when it comes to this particular resolution).

So dear reader, it’s back to the drawing board on certain issues, and time to don the thinking cap when it comes to others.

2009 was a good year for The Posh: it had its highs, and it had its lows, and it had its bits in the middle.

2010 shall be a case of “full steam ahead” for another year of more of the same, but only larger!

2010 AND A CHANGE IN EDITORIAL POLICY

2009-12-27T16:53:00.009Z

The last few days have been one of great personal contemplation and reflection. I have had a wild and spiffing time writing this little on line diary, but somehow it has never seemed…….enough. There is a very big pond out there dear reader, and whilst I am a very big fish when it comes to politics and market trading, clearly there are other fish in the pond. These other fish are also clamming to have their say. Perhaps now would be a good time to drop the pond/fish analogy and get to the point – I have decided to change my editorial policy.

As most of you are aware, when it comes to local politics, The Posh is somewhat of a chameleon. I may be a member of the Conservative Party, but when it comes to who I sleep with, I’m a bit of a “Thomas Moore”. During my period as a Councillor, I have supported all parties in their attempts to remain in power and protect their expenses. From 2010 onwards, I shall allow “guest” contributors to write for this site, including amongst others the council leader, the Mayor and the famous horse trainer, George Epsom. All and sundry shall be given the opportunity to have their say, justify their actions and generally vent their spleens.

Councillor Ian Malcovitch has kindly agreed to write a personal recollection of the first day we met. I shall post his account on New Years Day.

2010 – the year when climate change hit South Tyneside, the year when the flood gates opened.

http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/english/alternatives/4900

TWO CHEEKS TO THE BNP

2009-12-27T12:32:00.005Z

I found the above image on the internet whilst surfing for information on the Smurfs. I am going to have some underpants made with this image on the backside for the next council meeting.

Eat my shorts Pongo Khan!

http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://c.myspace.com/Groups/00013/05/06/13506050_l.jpg&imgrefurl=http://groups.myspace.com/remainsoftheday&usg=__sOjdNDKW0CE9mNl8VNScxewdTNU=&h=276&w=600&sz=21&hl=en&start=10&um=1&tbnid=KiuMRJcpt9uHnM:&tbnh=62&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3DANTI%2BFASCIST%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1W1ADFA_en%26um%3D1

WALL OF SILENCE

2009-12-27T12:07:00.005Z

DIDDY: Good evening listeners and welcome to the last episode of “What’s My Gaff?” My guest tonight is none other than Councillor McWoody, paper boy and representative for the Cleawood and East Bilburn ward. Come and sit down McWoody, you can leave your paper bag next to the microphone. We have lots of questions tonight, so let’s get this show on the road. Tell me Mac, you’re viewed by many as the “quiet” one when it comes to the Conservative members on the Borough council. Do you think your almost continued silence over the last six years has been a gaff?

MCWOODY: (total silence)

DIDDY: Let me rephrase the question – can you talk?

MCWOODY: (total silence).

DIDDY: OK, let’s approach it from another angle. Has somebody glued your mouth shut?

MCWOODY: (total silence).

DIDDY: Why should I be surprised! I’ll tell you what Macbeth, I’m going to read out a statement sent in by one of your ward residents. If you don’t contradict it in say….5 minutes, then the statement is true. Is that OK by you? I’ll take your wall of silence as a yes. Here we go….

“Dear Diddy

I think that the three Conservative councillors’s for the Cleawood and East Bilburn ward are the most ineffectual members this Borough has ever seen. They underpin the Labour majority by constantly voting with them on policy issues, and maximize their expenses claims to the detriment of the public purse. They ignore calls, letters and messages from the ward members, and surgeries are limited (if they are held at all.) They issue a ward newsletter which looks like it was put together by a two year old with a stick of Pritt and a dodgy photocopier. Not only is the rag devoid of any relevant content, but it is littered with inaccuracies and spurious claims. In essence, they are a disgrace to themselves and a disgrace to the national Conservative Party.”

There you have it McWobly, a pretty damning statement by one of your ward members. Now, surely you have something to say to defend yourselves?

MCWOODY: (total silence – 5 minutes later – total silence)

DIDDY: Your silence speaks volumes McWoody. Well, its goodnight from me and it’s good night from him. I hope you enjoyed “What’s My Gaff?”, and I shall be back in the New Year with another radio format.

DIDDY LEAVES – LIGHTS GO OUT

MCWOODY: Shhhh! I'm thinking!

IN THE CHAIR TODAY

2009-12-27T10:55:00.007Z

DIDDY: Evening again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome once again to STD’S “What’s My Gaff”, an interview with one of South Tyneside’s major political and business representatives. Yesterday we had all round gaff boy David Posh. Today we have his colleague Stinker Milburn. Stinker is prospective parliamentary candidate for Jarrow, the constituency next to Karen Allen’s South Shields. The phrase “Beauty and The Beast” immediately comes to mind. Please take a seat Mr Milburn, or can I call you Stinker?

STINKER MILBURN: I prefer Milbers, but never mind. This seat is damp!

DIDDY: Yes, that’s your friend Posh for you. He cried buckets yesterday. My feet were soaking and it leaked into the studio below. But less of his gaffs, and more of yours. Tell me Stink, was the use of the Mayor’s car a major Gaff?

STINKER MILBURN: I’m glad you have given me the opportunity to address this issue Diddy, and if I may just read you what Max Clifford has asked me to say. Ahem…(ruffle of paper) On the day in question I worked a consecutive 24 hours on ward related matters, and as a consequence forgot to have anything to eat. On the evening I attended a naval military strategy meeting called to organise the fight against the BNP in South Tyneside. Whilst there, I had half a shandy. Having not eaten for the last seven days, the drink went straight to my head. The next thing I knew I was on my way home in the Mayor’s car, and the only memory I have is of the Cheeky Girls.

DIDDY: Absolutely marvellous Milliband, a tale worthy of Agatha Christie herself. Tell me, your statement from Max Clifford, is that Posh’s writing?

STINKER MILBURN: It might be.

DIDDY: (shakes head) I just can’t believe. It’s becoming like “Ground Hog Day”. Let’s move forward if we possibly can. I have here a series of questions that have been sent in by your ward members.

STINKER MILBURN: Great, I’ve been waiting for this part of the quiz.

DIDDY: Sorry, what did you say?

STINKER MILBURN: I’ll have two from the top and four from the bottom.

DIDDY: What are you going on about Stig?

STINKER MILBURN: I don’t know the answer to that one. Can I phone a friend?

DIDDY: Have you got any?

STINKER MILBURN: Pass.

DIDDY: I think I can spot a pattern here. Tell me Stinkeroonie, what did you watch on the TV last night?

STINKER MILBURN: Our survey said “The Best Quiz Shows of the Decade”.

DIDDY: My god, neither you nor Posh are capable of any individual thought, are you? Sorry listeners, but I’m going to bring this programme to a premature close. Let’s finish with “No Expenses Spared” by the Cheeky Councils.

DIDDY LEAVES - STUDIO GOES DARK.

STINKER MILBURN: Do I get my “(Blankety) Blank Cheque Book and Pen” now, I need it to claim my expenses, especially the blank cheque. Diddy, Diddy! Why am I sitting in the dark? Diddy, Diddy! Oh my God, I’m on Mastermind!

POSH:MONKEY:TYPEWRITER:SHAKESPEARE

2009-12-26T19:27:00.007Z

Just a quick comment on my antics over the last few days. Sadly, I lost the script of the Stinker Milburn radio interview and I have not been able to post it (I put the tape next to a wreath in my house).

It will appear round about the same time as my vision comes back (the wreath however, won't).

Somebody gave me a wonderful herbal tonic present on Xmas day (I think it was one of the Malcovitch Brothers) called “Absinthe”.

I drank the bottle on Xmas Day, and was “absenthe” for the next 24 hours.

Jeepers, it was like Remembrance Sunday all over again. In fact, if feel so bad, I know I won’t be able to attend the Cleawood and East Bilburn CAF in ….January 2010!

The other apology centres around the fact that I collapsed over my keyboard whilst contemplating a “tweet” on “Twitter”. As my body twitched uncontrollably, I had an “out of body experience” and managed to type some absolute garbage (you know the scenario dear reader: monkeys/typewriter/Shakespeare).

I was basically the monkey!

Forgive me my fans, please forgive me!

GOING OUT LIVE ON 101 FM

2009-12-25T21:10:00.002Z

DIDDY: Morning and welcome to “STD’S Radio”, coming to you on 101 FM and 101 MW. My name is Diddy and this is the first episode of my new show “What’s My Gaff”, a weekly one to one interview with a local South Tyneside business magnate or politician. My inaugural guest is none other than David Posh, market trader and Councillor for the ward of Cleadon and East Bilburn. Councillor Posh was also a prospective parliamentary candidate for Edinburgh South West, but was unreservedly dumped due to his lack of presence in the area. Welcome David, or should I call you Dave?

DAVID POSH: Call me what you like, you normally do.

DIDDY: Let’s get straight to the questions Dave. You seem to have a strange attitude to attending council committee meetings. In fact, you hardly ever go. Why is that?

DAVID POSH: Being a councillor involves more than just attending meetings Diddy, so let me set the record straight. As a councillor, I have never missed a free buffet, an open bar, a trip to London and I also claim all my expenses plus a little bit extra. On these issues, my record is 100% and no other councillor can challenge me on that. In fact, I devote so much of my time to not going to meetings, that I don’t actually have time to go to any.

DIDDY: A strange logic Davey, but lets move on. Would you say that not presenting the wreath on behalf of the Council on Remembrance Sunday was your most famous gaff?

DAVID POSH: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to set the record straight. I have already offered an explanation as to what happened on the day, but another implausible excuse has occurred to me. I actually got up on Sunday morning, put on my naval reserve Speedo trucks and Special Boat Group Donald Duck swimming armbands, and headed of on the number 30 bus to the Cenotaph in East Bilburn. However, on the way I met a man who offered to swap the wreath for some magic beans, beans which when planted would grow to massive proportions and…..

DIDDY: I’m sorry to stop you there D, but that sounds a bit like the children’s story “Jack and The Beanstalk”.

DAVID POSH: I’m sorry, you’re right. It actually wasn’t beans; it was a goose that would lay golden eggs….

DIDDY: That’s a tale by Aesop.

DAVID POSH: A tinder box?

DIDDY: Hans Christian Andersen

DAVID POSH: A ring which makes you invisible?

DIDDY: Tolkien. Posh, what did you do last night?

DAVID POSH: It was fab. My butler read me children’s stories all night. I had Quavers, Vimto and a Curly Wurly. I’ve never had such a topper time.

DIDDY: So basically all your excuses are based on what you did last.

DAVID POSH: Well not everything I did last night. I haven’t mentioned the woman with the beard have I?

DIDDY: I think we should stop there Davina before you go to far again. Let me ask you, was Scotland a gaff?

DAVID POSH: If it wasn’t for Scotland Diddy, I wouldn’t have had the time to purge South Tyneside of the BNP. Thanks to my sterling work in doing absolutely nothing about these horrible, horrible people, Muslims can walk the streets of Shields without the threat of arrest, internment and deportation. (Starts to wail, howl and sob uncontrollably).

DIDDY: Clearly, this is still a delicate subject for you D.

DAVID POSH: It’s not that. I was just thinking about that gin I spilt the other night.

DIDDY: Perhaps you should adopt the old adage “that it’s not worth crying over spilt milk”, or in your case, gin. Here, take this towel and bucket and mop up your tears. Please don’t bubble over the microphone Dave, not even your insulated Hush Puppies will stop you getting an electrical shock. You seem to be a little “over agitated” Posh. Are you sober?

DAVID POSH: I am at the moment, but don’t intend to stay this way to long. Can I have my appearance money now, I hear the bars open?

DIDDY: David, did you only come on the show for the money?

DAVID POSH: And the free mug.

DIDDY: (Under breath) the only mugs are the people who vote for you! I think this may be a good time to bring this interview to an end. Tell me David, if you were left stranded on a desert island, which two items would you take with you?

DAVID POSH: That’s easy Diddy. I would have a brewery, my expenses claims pad, my Grifter bike with pink stabilisers, my Action Man, Stretch Armstrong, a tub of lard and…….

DIDDY: Posh, I said two items. You’re treating the question like an expenses claim and going over the top.

DAVID POSH: Not really Diddy. The “two item” dictum is a rule that is only to be followed in spirit, a bit like expense claims - you know you should stick to the guideline, but hey, shy councillors get nothing. At the end of day of Diddy, I’m a loner, a maverick, I’m James Dean, I’m Dirty Harry, I’m Jim Rockford, I’m…….

DIDDY: You’re a loony, that is what you are. Good night listeners, and don’t forget to tune in later on in the week when hopefully we shall have a guest who doesn’t cry all night over a spilt gin.

HAVE A HAPPY BEARD

2009-12-24T19:34:00.005Z

As I sit wrapping my Xmas presents (my family are all getting signed pictures of The Cheeky Girls: they wouldn’t sign them, so I did) I cannot help but contemplate the plight of those who are less fortunate than me. As this involves virtually everybody, I must quickly dismiss this thought. My brain isn’t big enough to cope with such numbers.

I am however, very excited about Xmas Day. I love Santa, and he loves me. I have cleaned the chimney and left him a carrot, a mince pie and a pint of sherry. Sadly, the sherry has evaporated due to the heat of the fire, so I shall have to top it up (snigger, snigger).

Despite the left wing, Marxist antics of those fops at The Royal Mail, Santa should have received my letter in time.

I don’t really need much; I’ve got a woman with a beard, and my expenses claims are pretty much up to date.

However, I am but a man, and I have needs.

As that vixen Allen (double grrrrrrrr) said to me the other night “Posh, you fall into the category of special needs”.

Here then, is my letter to Santa:

1. My stolen computers back
2. A hefty majority at the 2010 election
3. A new wreath
4. A time machine to deliver the new wreath.
5. A Rick Astley face mask kit.
6. A larger bladder, capable of accumulating 15 pints of gin.
7. That vixen Allen’s (double grrrrrrrr) mobile number,
8. At least two expense paying committee positions after the 2010 elections.

The Posh lives in the real world dear fans, a world where every opportunity must be taken, milked for what it is financially worth and finally cast asunder when it has no reward.

That dear reader, is the true spirit of Xmas.

That and gin.

Have a good day dear reader, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t, unless it has a beard.

PICTURE POSTCARD

2009-12-23T21:56:00.001Z

As you can see, I have been to Scotland.

This picture of myself, Stinker and McWoody was taken in the departure lounge of Edinburgh South West Airport. We spent approximately 10 minutes in Scotland, boarding the flight home as soon as possible.

Don’t forget to tune in on Xmas Day campers!

ANY OLD QUEEN

2009-12-23T21:47:00.001Z

It has occurred to me that my published broadcast on 25th December (Xmas Day) could be regarded as an alternative to The Queens Speech.

I must contact Channel 4.

RADIO STAR

2009-12-22T13:57:00.003Z

Hi de hi campers.

Remember when I told that I was going to be a radio star? Well, the interview takes place on Xmas Eve and I have arranged for a transcript to appear on this site on Xmas Day.

I’m really looking forward to appearing on STD’S.

This is a new venture for Diddy, and he’s called his show “What’s My Gaff”. He said he thought of me immediately when he saw the title: I can’t understand why.

Never mind.

Lucky you dear readers, you can worship Jesus and myself all on the same day!

Stinker and McWoody are also going to be interviewed, but they won’t be as spiffing as yours truly. Transcripts of their interviews will appear on Boxing and New Years Day.

Pip pip, I’m off for an encounter with the old white stuff, and I don’t mean the snow!

http://davidposhmanofhonour.blogspot.com/2009/12/calling-all-fans-of-stds.html

WORDS OF WISDOM

2009-12-21T22:15:00.002Z

A local DJ once asked me what my favourite phrase was. It used to be:

“It was like finding a needle in a hay stack”.

Sadly, I’ve changed my mind. I now prefer the old adage:

“It was like finding a pin in a field”.

Tune in later dear readers for more words of wisdom from The Posh.

I'VE BEEN BLOWN!

2009-12-21T18:38:00.001Z

PLEASE WHISPER WHEN YOU READ THIS POST

Very worrying news has reached the telescopic ears of The Posh.

Over the last few weeks one of my political enemies has been on “covert” operations, infiltrating the Twitter site of a certain market trader who “has protected their tweets”.

The culprit has clearly spent some time on his subterfuge. He (or she, if they have any brain matter) must have spent hours trawling through The Daily Telegraph for share tips, currency fluctuations, and wild speculative views on second hand Sky Remotes.

Mission Impossible? It should have been. Sadly it is now Mission Accomplished!

A certain trader has swallowed it hook, line and stinker.

A little less time should have been spent on feeding the cats and more attention applied to the Twitter “guest list”.

The problem for yours truly is that the culprit has had access to certain “comments” I have made, and publicly alluded to, about the “Gang of Four” who wish to remove me from my political premiership in the Borough.

Gulp!
Jeepers!
Triple drat!

I fear the next knock at the oak(leigh) doors of Margaret Thatcher Towers may be from PC Dibble himself, armed to the hilt with a series of libel court warrants.

I’m off for a shower dear inmates, I need to practice bending over to pick up the soap!

FULL TRANSCRIPT OF THE FAMOUS RESIGNATION SPEECH

2009-12-21T15:39:00.005Z

DAVID POSH: Morning Diddy, I have looked into the issue of me being an MP in Scotland, and yes I can confirm that I have been selected to stand in Edinburgh South West. However, I’ve never been there because you can’t claim attendance expenses. I do however, think that I have a very good chance of being elected.

MC DJ DIDDY: That’s hardly true Posh because they have deselected you for non attendance.

DAVID POSH: They’ve what? Why those ginger haired, yellow bellied, porridge eating, skirt wearing, alcoholic, persistent world cup football non attendees and Loch Ness monster believers! How dare they kick me in the McGorbals and leave me to wallow in Tennents Super Strength Lager.

Phone slams down. Ten Minutes later Posh rings Diddy back.

DAVID POSH: Dear Diddy, my friend, my confidant, I must apologise for that little outburst. The news came as a bit of a shock to me. As I have never attended any meetings how was I to know they were going to stab me in the Trossacks and kick the wind out of my bag pipes? On reflection however, I do recall resigning from the seat just after I was nominated, and I have prepared this retrospective statement. Let me sip on my special water first. Here we go - write this down Diddy, word for word:

“It is with deep regret, that I, David Posh, must resign from the position of prospective parliamentary candidate for the constituency of Edinburgh South something (sob, sob, sob). Over the last few minutes (waw, waw, waw) it has occurred to me that the BNP is becoming more active in South Tyneside (boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo). I will therefore forego my definite victory in Edinland West, and concentrate on tackling these awful, awful people who are active on my own doorstep. I will devote as much attention to tackling the BNP in South Tyneside as I did to winning the seat in Scotburgh North (sob, sob, wail, wail, waw, waw, waw).”

Did you get all that Diddy? As you can see, I wasn’t deselected; I resigned (sob, sob, sob)

MC DJ DIDDY: I am sure the Scot’s have a different view Posh. Never mind though, you are clearly to upset about the issue to discuss it any further.

DAVID POSH: (sob, sob, sob) Upset about Scotland? I couldn’t give a flying hairy haggis about those ginger loonies (waw, waw, waw, boo hoo) No Diddy, you’ve got it all wrong – I knocked my treble gin over while I was reading out my statement!

http://curly15.wordpress.com/2008/09/09/potts-in-hot-water/

http://ukpollingreport.co.uk/guide/seat-profiles/edinburghsouthwest?cp=3
READ THE COMMENT BY JUSTIN HINCHCLIFFE

http://edinburghnews.scotsman.com/conservativeparty/Tory-activists--to-ditch.4471315.jp

THE TOP 15 ACCORDING TO POSH

2009-12-20T21:47:00.004Z

Dear reader, would you believe it but this little on line diary has an amazing gadget attached to it that allows you to track how people have actually arrived at this site.

I have checked out the info, and the most 15 popular search referrals are as follows (top hits first):

1. Cowards who don’t bother to show their faces at Remembrance Day Services
2. Missing Wreath
3. Stinker Milburn
4. Cheeky Girls
5. Domestic violence sympathisers
6. Karen Posh(double grrrr – I added this bit)
7. Posh Karen(double grrr – as above)
8. Second hand Sky Remotes
9. Batteries not included
10. Swarfega
11. Expenses claims
12. Paper round
13. Stig of the Dump
14. Rick Astley doubles
15. Alan Partridge

Nothing unusual there then.

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH PART 1

2009-12-20T19:44:00.006Z

MC DJ DIDDY: Hello, I hope this is David Posh’s abode. I got his number from an advert in a phone booth under the heading ”Do You Want A Hot Night At Margaret Thatcher Towers (Batteries Not Included)?”.

BUTLER: I shall see if his Poshness is in. Who shall I say has called?

MC DJ DIDDY: Tell him it’s Diddy.

BUTLER: Please hold the line Mr Diddy, I shall check on the availability of His Poshness.

(Phone goes on hold. Music plays: Don Henley, “Your So Posh, and You Posh Me Out!”)

Ten minutes later.

DAVID POSH: Hello, what day is it?

MC DJ DIDDY: Hello Posh, its 6.00 pm on the **.**.**. Can I have a quick word with you?

DAVID POSH: Only if the quick word involves “It’s my round Posh, so why don’t you have a treble Sapphire with a bottle of gin mixer?”

MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, were on the phone, not in The Mile having a burger!

DAVID POSH: Ok, yeah, right, give me a chance to check my GPS

(Phone goes on hold: Music plays: Rick Astley, “Never Gonna Give Up On My Expenses”)

Ten minutes later.

DAVID POSH: Ok Diddy, according to my phone GPS and staff in waiting, I’m at home. So let loose and don’t pull any punches.

MC DJ DIDDY: Well Posh, let me put it this way. You’ve been de-selected from standing as a candidate for the Conservative Party in the Scottish constituency of Edinburgh South West.

DAVID POSH: I’m sorry, did you say Scotland? Where the hell is that? I’ve only ever been to Cambridge, South Tyneside, The Red Lion and Rosco’s. I don’t even have a passport!

MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, it’s where you’re standing as an MP!

DAVID POSH: Oh yes, let me check.

(Phone goes on hold: Music plays: Stinker Milburn and McWoody, “We Are The Cheeky Councillors”)

Ten minutes later.

DAVID POSH: Well, would you believe it, Scotland’s on Goggle Earth. So what’s all this about, Diddy?

MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, your selected to stand in the general election in 2010 against the Chancellor Alistair Darling, mainly because your going to loose your ward councillor seat. Remember, you said you needed to get your expenses from somewhere?.

DAVID POSH: Am I? Did I? There’s a thought. Yes, Diddy, I’ll do that, I hear the expenses are very easy to fiddle. Put my name down for the job. Will I get lots of Irn Bru?

MC DJ DIDDY: No Posh, you’ve already been selected – you’re the candidate, or was!

DAVID POSH: Something is ringing a bell Diddy, but don’t quote me on that. All I have to say is that my secretary is in charge of bell ringing, especially when I’m top to tail in Hia Karate. I’ll have to get back to you when she’s checked out my memory.

Click……..brrrrrrrrrrrrr………..

PART TWO OF THIS TELEPHONE CONVERSATION TO FOLLOW LATER ON IN THE WEEK

WARNING: IT WILL CONTAIN RACIST COMMENTS TOWARDS THE SCOTS AND THE SOUND OF A GROWN MAN BUBBLING LIKE A LITTLE BABY

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

THE POSH LOVES THE DOSH

2009-12-20T14:56:00.004Z

Over the last few years I may have given the impression via comments on a certain other local site that I was a Sunderland football fan.

Phrases such as “come on you Roker boys”, “we love the red and whites” and “how did the lads do at The Stadium of Light” were merely slips of the fingers when using a blurred keyboard.

As I downed my Newcastle Brown Ale du Pape(“come on you beers”) I should of course have typed:

“Come on you Mags”, “Come on you black and whites” and “How did the lads do at St James Park@Second Hand Sky Remotes (Batteries Not Included) Sponsors. COM.

Sadly my opportunist greed for a free ticket/meal may have led to some confusion as to my loyalties. For your information, I follow the same mantra employed when it comes to how I vote at Council meetings – I support the team with the dosh!

As you all know – The Posh is in love with The Dosh!

Come on you money!

I LOVE FAMOUS PEOPLE'S BALLS

2009-12-20T14:29:00.000Z

Picture of me at “the match” holding one of Sting’s big balls!

Don’t titter, Sting collects match balls.

Come on you blues/reds/greens/oranges etc etc etc*

*DELETE AS APPROPRIATE – DEPENDING ON WHICH GAME YOU ARE AT.

HAI KARATE - MORE THAN JUST A TIPPLE!

2009-12-20T10:15:00.003Z

Despite my desire to offer my thoughts on a daily basis, the weather sadly got the better of me.

I did a little extra curriculum work a couple of days ago at a rather salubrious but remote venue and got snowed in. Luckily, the venue had its own brewery, so I had good company. Talk about memory loss, the old “recall” area of my brain resembles a snow storm.

Anyway, I am back home and have a lot of messages to catch up on. PC Dibble has been on the blower about the “missing wreath”. I suspected it may have been stolen when my house was burgled. As he pointed out however, the crime of the century took place before the wreath was delivered. Double and triple drat!!!!!!!! There goes that excuse.

Back to the drawing room and back to the drawing board.

For the moment lets move on dear reader and get down to some real work. I have found an old answer phone tape which has a recording of the conversation I had with DJ MC Diddy re the matter of a certain failed crusade to Scotland.

I want to set the record straight on this issue, and have instructed my secretary to transcribe the conversation for publication on this site. Clearly I need to get some work out of the old dear, so I have decided not to go “top to tail” in Hai Karate aftershave (oh yes day reader, it's not just a drink) It only takes one niff of the old “come on” juice and she pants around like a rutting stag!

Must go and have a nap dear punter, I’ve worked myself into a right old lather!

PARTY ON DOWN DUDE!

2009-12-17T13:34:00.002Z

Once again the “party on down dude” season is upon us.

This year it has been left to yours truly to organise the Xmas party for the Conservative Party Group on South Tyneside Council.

Last year we were restricted by how much Conservative councillors put in to the fund, and as a consequence, we went to the Salvation Army soup kitchen in Wearside. This year we have decided to keep it local and invest in local companies.

The itinerary is as follows:

1. Meet in the car park (empty) behind the old Asda at 12 p.m.
2. Xmas Lunch at Gregg’s (King Street). I have already pre booked our meals.
- Me – Cheese and Onion Pasty
- Stinker Milburn (grrrr) – 3 for £1 sausage rolls
- McWoody – anything with chocolate.
3. Customs House, South Shields - “Yearly Review: The Conservatives in Action: A Slide Show”. Includes negatives of the Cheeky Girls bash (Stinker beware)

That vixen Allen (double grrrr) is not invited.

Stinker Milburn (single grrrr) has booked the Mayor’s chariot for the journey home, and McWoody has got somebody else to deliver his papers as chocolate gives him the back door trots (I don’t know why he eats it, but he says its worth the mess).

I myself have still to decide if I will grace the gathering with presence. Two reasons: firstly, I already have a private collection of Cheeky Girls pictures, amassed over the last decade, and b, I can’t put the bash on expenses.

What to do, dear reader, what to do?

OPEN THE FLOOD GATES

2009-12-16T18:58:00.003Z

I have received a few emails from my fan club as to the propensity of my posts on this site.

Let it go into the wind dear followers.

With regards to my daily activities, on the run up to Xmas I shall be posting on a daily basis.

The Posh is on a RAMPAGE.

OINK, OINK - I SMELL A PORKY

2009-12-16T14:26:00.003Z

As many of you know, one of my many all time trading heroes is Jonathan Hoenig.

Jonty (as I call him) follows this site and hangs on to my every word. Not only does this do my ego the world of good, it increases my street popularity because “J” (as I now call him), is too cool for school, he’s hip and happening, he is da man, he’s MC Topcat, he’s ice ice baby, he’s the dude of Dudeland, he’s sweet etc etc etc.

He also has a company which shares the same phrase that Pongo Khan always wrote on my old school jotters - “Capitalist Pig”.

Now that’s what I call a name!

KINDRED SPIRITS

2009-12-15T09:08:00.001Z

Rather than immediately jump on the congratulations band wagon, I have waited a few days to offer my best wishes to Joe McElderry, winner of X Factor 2009.

Joe and I share some uncanny characteristics: Joe has a marvellous singing voice and is worshipped by thousands. Yours truly can also warble like a nightingale, and I am also appreciated by my public for my political acumen.

Young Joe reminds me of my great hero, political heavy weight and mentor, Rick Astley. The only difference is that Joe can actually sing and doesn’t own a flashers mack. He can also dance: Rick tended to prance around like a jelly fish having a fit.

I have contacted Joe offering him my services when it comes to dealing with fame, adulation and fortune. My experience with The Cheeky Girls leaves me ideally situated to deal with any eventuality which may come his way.

Hero worship can be difficult, but it does bring financial rewards. It also means you can afford to have a TV in every room. I have therefore offered McElderry a 20% discount* voucher for any additional Sky Remotes that he may need (second hand: batteries not included).

David Posh – supplier to the rich and famous.

*Voucher can not be used in conjunction with any other offer.
Expiry date: 10 minutes ago.

TWITTER YE NOT!

2009-12-14T12:46:00.003Z

Sometimes, I just can’t be bothered.

NOW YOU SEE ME....NOW YOU DON'T

2009-12-14T10:11:00.004Z

I have woken this morning dear reader, to a mystery of Sherlock Holme’s proportions!!!!!!!!!!

Quite simply, some one has stolen my kudos.

Or more to the point, they have amended it.

Like Winston Smith in that left wing tirade “1984”, Ms Allen (down tiger) has changed her blog post and removed any reference to my sterling efforts to sign up new members to the local Conservative Party. I spent month upon month (or was it 5 minutes) of hard, tireless, unselfish and honest work (traits which describe my own personality) in order to push membership numbers into double figures.

With a stroke of a key board and the swathing of a sword, and I have been deleted from history, erased, expunged (yes please!) and made to look a complete chump.

Well let me tell you, I don’t need Ms Allen (down tiger) to make a fool of me – I am more than capable of doing that myself…..so there!

Clearly I am a victim of a miscarriage of justice. As a reward for my sterling work in the Westoe by election, my attendance record at council meetings, my attention to detail in the placing a certain wreath, my respect for the public purse, my love of a free buffet and my deep appreciation of first class travel at the publics expense, I have been purged from the roll of honour.

I am now a resident of “Lepersville”, cast asunder onto the scrap heap of B list Celebes, a foot note, an also ran, a man without dignity, friendless in the face of a cold, icy wind, Trotsky to Stalin…….I have become the Alan Partridge of the political world (let me sniff this onion…..sob, sob, sob)

I withdraw my support Ms Allen, and grant you the non de plume of a “double grrrr”.

http://karenallen.blogspot.com/

APPEARING SOON AT AN ELECTION NEAR YOU

2009-12-11T11:33:00.001Z

It looks like my very public SOS aimed at that vixen Allen (down tiger) has provided the golden egg of support.

Ms Allen (down tiger) has a penchant for helping the afflicted, the needy and the down and out. Her recent article at http://karenallen.blogspot.com/ (don’t include “down tiger” in the internet address) acknowledges this very admirable trait. Judging by the number of times the phrase has been used, I guess the theme is “young members”.

I knew Kaz would bail me out (but I can’t tell you how I knew).

Clearly we both share the same values.

Ms Allen wants to see more female members joining the Conservative Party, and so do I!

CALLING ALL FANS OF STD'S

2009-12-11T11:09:00.003Z

Bonjurno rapscallions.

The Posh is broadcasting on FM, AM and LW!

I know you have all been concerned about my mental state for a long time, so I am glad to let you all know that my “tickety boo” level is on the up.

Yesterday I received a telephone call from DJ MC Diddy over at “South Tyneside Digital Sounds” radio station. Diddy has moved over to the politics department and wants to conduct a series of in depth interviews with myself, Stinker Milburn (grrrr) and McWoody (paper round commitments depending).

Clearly Diddy has acknowledged that the Conservative Party under my leadership has evolved into a major political player when it comes to running this Borough, and I am happy to tell you that the interviews will take place next week for broadcast on Christmas Day. I feel quite humbled that the show will go out on such a religious day: Jesus was also a leader of men, and I see great parallels between his life and mine, especially the bit about his detractors wanting to crucify him.

I have also decided to publish a complete transcript of the interviews for those who have trouble receiving STD’S.

December 25th – make it a day in your diary.

KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? NOT ME!

2009-12-10T23:52:00.008Z

http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/herald-view/light-on-expenses-1.991377

http://edinburghnews.scotsman.com/conservativeparty/Tory-activists--to-ditch.4471315.jp

SHARP EXIT

2009-12-10T10:02:00.001Z

Why, oh why, oh why, do I have to keep justifying my every move?

Where were you on Remembrance Sunday?
Why didn’t you go to that meeting?
Why don’t you answer your ward members letters and telephone calls?
Why don’t you put batteries in your second hand Sky remotes?

It just goes on, and on, and on.

Sometimes I think the public would be happier if I was tagged, placed on a curfew and made to sleep in Fenwick’s window.

The latest “Spot The Posh” quiz question centres on my sharp exit at last weeks full council meeting.

For the record, I view my council attendances strictly on a “pay as you go” basis – you pay, I go! I acknowledge that whilst some very important issues still remained on the agenda for discussion, I had far, far better things to do (and I am not referring to locating a certain missing wreath).

Perhaps some people have missed the real issue when looking at the speed of my departure (I was able to get to the bar in 3 minutes flat, a council record). Without my extensive political knowledge, acumen and moral guidance, Stinker Milburn (grrrr) made a bit of a mule of himself. With McWoody otherwise engaged planning out his paper round and without yours truly to tell him when to put his hand up, the noggin went and voted with the opposition!

It is sound and well heeled knowledge that it is national Conservative Party policy to abolish the Standards Board. Stinker (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) voted to keep the bally thing. In his defence the chump thought he was putting his hand up to book a seat in the mayor’s car for the long journey home to The Cottage, but surely the country bumpkin should have realized that his name is always first on the list when it comes to a free ride home!

There are certain things in life which will never happen - the sea will never be parted, pigs will never fly and I will never travel second class when the public is paying. However, miracles do happen and Stinker (grrrr) could be elected to represent the good people of Jarrow. Sadly, Gordon Brown has nothing to fear. All he needs to do is spin Stinker (grrrr) around in a circle, shout “taxi”, and watch him vote with Labour!

THE CUT OF MY JIB!

2009-12-09T09:43:00.002Z

Whilst my day to days are dominated with various trials and tribulations (things are so bad dear reader, I have to chop my own logs for the fire) I am consoled by the fact that at least I have an honourable military past.

Whilst the various pacifists, atheists, dole wallers, work wear shop owners and general malingers of this Borough my be very vocal about my Remembrance Day black out, at least I am prepared to put on the uniform of the Crown and head to the front line.

By instinct I am not an arrogant man, and neither am I one who likes to show off, but yours truly has been a member of the Royal Naval Reserve since I first was able to mutter the phrases “salty seadog” and “land ahoy captain”. My love of the sea was further cemented when I read such classics as “Treasure Island”, “The Sea Shall Not Have Them”, “The Caine Mutiny” and “Captain Birdseye: The Fish Finger Years”.

Not only have I received intelligence and survival briefings, been trained to how to tell the front of a boat from the back, differentiate the sea from the horizon, but I was also charged with ensuring that the rum rations were distributed efficiently. During my tenure at the bar (sorry, that should read brig), not a drop of rum was spilt or wasted, regardless of how the ship rocked and appeared blurred in bad weather.

So you can see dear reader, that I hold my navy credentials and medals in high regard, especially my 100 metre bronze life saver and Boy Scout angling badges. I am also very proud of my glittering war time activities in Korea, Vietnam, The Falklands and Bosnia.

Though Afghanistan may be a land locked country from which you can’t even smell the sea never mind “see” it, the battle against terrorism will be won on the water, not the land.

It is then my nautical chums that I, Seaman Posh, will single handily defeat Osama Bin Pugwash!

TURKEY IN THE SLAMMER

2009-12-08T09:08:00.002Z

Looks like I won't have a body guard over the Christmas period then!

http://www.shieldsgazette.com/news/Police-warning-to-wifebeaters.5889875.jp

THROW ME A LIFE LINE…….

2009-12-07T18:46:00.009Z

As the darkness descends and I move with increasing speed towards the light, yours truly has been checking his contacts list for life lines.

Sky TV won’t help me as I am an international market trader in their second hand remotes (batteries not included). As their Bombay rep said, they only deal in originals (with batteries).

After dismissing those who are either in prison, have died, reside in mental institutions or have had their numbers changed due to harassment issues, I have finally found a life line.

My port (Sandemans, treble) in any storm is none other than a pubic (sorry, that should read public) appeal to that vixen Karen Allen (down tiger), prospective MP for South Shields.

Let it be known, The Posh is in favour of female Councillor’s, MP’s and election officers – they make excellent cups of tea, make great decisions when it comes to wall paper, and frankly, I love poking the fire in a familiar election office (sorry that should read environment).

All I ask in return for my support at the next election (including delivering leaflets, pounding the streets and knocking on doors) is that she publicly endorses me on her website within the next 3 days!

Help me Kaz (sob, sob, tears, tears) cast aside all my faults and all you have heard about me (OK, just what can be proved) .

I am but a man!

In return I will devote all my political experience and energy to your cause.

The clock is ticking.

Over to you KA (down tiger).

WHATS THAT SMELL?

2009-12-07T15:18:00.002Z

Afternoon campers, and thanks for calling back.

My life at the moment can only be described “troublesome”. I am in essence “getting shafted” from all angles.

Like a great white hunter, my detractors and stalkers are closing in for the final kill, and I suspect that my days as a major political force within this Borough are numbered.

McWoody is claiming I have the smell of death about me. I normally blame my Hai Karate after shave when such an aroma issue raises its head. This time I can’t – it was pinched when I was burgled!

However, whenever I am on one of my major dickey downers, I am reminded of the words of that great Conservative philosopher, Black Adder The Third.

“My every path is strewn with the cow pats from the devils own satanic herd”.

Stinker Milburn (grrr) claims to have a plan to save my very ample behind. Sadly, Black Adder has already cast his eye over it:

“There was a tiny flaw in the plan – it was bollocks”

I’m doomed dear punter, doomed!

DID YOU SEE THIS MAN?

2009-12-06T22:12:00.003Z

MISSING PERSON’S REPORT
FILING OFFICER: PC DIBBLE

1. I received a report on 8th November that Councillor and market trader David Posh had gone missing. He was due to present himself on the day in question at East Bilburn Cenotaph at 10.15 p.m. He was honoured with the duty of presenting a wreath on behalf of South Tyneside Council in acknowledgement of those who had died for their country. Accounts show that Councillor Posh and his wreath failed to show up.

2. Extensive police activity, including (public) house to (public) house enquiries, failed to locate Councillor Posh.

3. Subsequent research found Councillor Posh to be located at a drop in house for ex service men in Sunderland Museum. Covered in fake medals (including a forged cycling proficiency badge), Posh was discovered to be scrounging free soup and begging for a bed for the night.

4. This case has now been closed, and Councillor Posh’s details passed on to the Salvation Army.

AWOL

2009-12-06T19:28:00.007Z

Some of my detractors and stalkers have of late been making certain accusations that yours truly did not attend the Remembrance Day Ceremony in East Bilburn circa 8th November.

As a consequence of my “no show”, a Council wreath to honour those who have died in conflicts was not presented.

I would like to take the opportunity, via this well attended and much visited public forum, to set the record straight.

Several explanations have been offered re this very public escape act (both by myself, Max Clifford and the Council) but as always, the truth is actually stranger than science fiction.

Like a well endowed Miss Marple mystery, my failure to cash in on what would have been a very honourable public experience, had it’s origins in the following twists, turns and white rapids.

1. I got the date wrong and actually turned up on the previous Sunday.

2. I got the date wrong and turned up on the following Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. You can imagine my surprise when I was confronted with the fact that nobody else had the decency to show their faces. Under these circumstances and with the application of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it can be mathematically shown that I went to the cenotaph in East Bilburn six more times than the average punter. Respect!

3. I couldn’t find the wreath in amongst the thousand’s of other wreaths I had in Margaret Thatcher Towers.

4. I couldn’t find East Bilburn, though I understand it can be found next to Cleawood.

5. It was actually Stinker Milburn and McWoody’s fault as they did not mention the gig to me when we had a policy meeting in The Red Lion.

6. The night before Remembrance Day, I was at a boxing bash to raise funds for survivors of the Battle of Hastings, the Peninsula Wars, the Napoleonic Wars and the Boer War. Whilst attendance was threadbare, I was still honouring those who had fallen, especially through drink.

7. On reflection, it has occurred to me that I was in attendance on the day. I was in fact in “camouflage”. I don’t mean I was sober, but I had been “on manoeuvres” with Cheesey Muldoon the night before. This may be why nobody actually saw me at the back of the public gathering. I was in a stuper, sorry, I mean bush!

I therefore feel that criticism’s of my actions on the day, or any another day, are completely without foundation.

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 005

2009-12-06T13:05:00.001Z

“My diary entry for the day in question”

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 004

2009-12-06T12:40:00.004Z

“My Naval uniform”

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 003

2009-12-06T12:35:00.004Z

“I’M A NAVAL RESERVIST DON’T YOU KNOW?”

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 002

2009-12-06T12:31:00.002Z

"I was stuck on the toilet!"

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 001

2009-12-06T12:23:00.002Z

“Is this the queue for The Red Lion?”

NO WHEELS = NO MEALS

2009-12-04T20:03:00.003Z

Not only does The Posh like a bit of spice in his life, but he also likes a bit of spice in his meals. That’s why I always order my curry’s from my good and only ethnic friend, Idi Amin.

As you all know, Idi Amin has always had a good relationship with councillors, especially when you ring up to order your meals with the preface “Hello, I am a Councillor, what can you do for me?”

Idi owns at least 500 take away curry houses in the Shields area alone.

He is the equivalent of a Muslim McDonalds.

In fact, he should call his outlets “McPoppadoms”, such is his business acumen.

However, something must have gone wrong tonight. I placed an order for my favourite meals over three hours ago, and still have not received them.

I hope this has nothing to do with a spate of wheel clamping's that have taken place in the Lawe Top area of South Shields.

No wheels = no meals.

As an international market trader, even I know that if your business is so good, you can afford to tax your car, especially when you drive it all day!

Looks like I will have to find another ethnic friend who can supply me with cheap meals.

THANK GOD FOR CCTV

2009-12-04T10:31:00.004Z

Over the last few days the police have been circulating a series of CCTV mug shots taken from cameras in and around Margaret Thatcher Towers.

I firmly believe that the culprit(s) who committed this crime is one of my political opponents or an individual jealous of my market trading abilities.

With this in mind, the police have been circulating copies of the pictures in the places where I spend most of my time, including the toilet at the Red Lion, the linen cupboard at The Little Haven, and Gregg’s.

Using this rationale, PC Dibble to could see little benefit in distributing the pictures in the main council offices.

However, it has been pointed out to me that several of the pictures are actually of “associates” of mine, their images being caught on camera as they legitimately visited Margaret Thatcher Towers.

I order to avoid any confusion, I have posted the images below together with an explanation as to who is a suspect, and who is not (these people form images 002 - 007).

The main suspects, known to Interpol, the FBI and the World Puppet Association as “The A Team”, are currently the prime suspects (image 001).

Don’t have nightmares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMAGE 001

2009-12-04T10:26:00.003Z

EXISTING POLICE MUG SHOTS. AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION AND SEVERAL LARGE GINS, I BELIEVE THIS IS THE GANG OF INTERNATIONAL SECOND HAND SKY REMOTE TRADERS (BATTERIES MUST BE INCLUDED) THAT BROKE INTO MARGARET THATCHER TOWERS.

IMAGE 002

2009-12-04T10:25:00.004Z

STINKER MILBURN AND MCWOODY ARRIVING FOR OUR YEARLY WARD SURGERY

IMAGE 003

2009-12-04T10:22:00.004Z

MY COOK, JOINER AND PART TIME CIRCUS ENTERTAINER

IMAGE 004

2009-12-04T10:20:00.002Z

MY OLD SCHOOL CHUM, CHEESEY MULDOON

IMAGE 005

2009-12-04T10:17:00.003Z

MY ACCOUNTANTS, THE MALCOVITCH BROTHERS

IMAGE 006

2009-12-04T10:16:00.002Z

MY OLD AUNT FANNY

IMAGE 007

2009-12-04T10:14:00.003Z

MY SECURITY TEAM AND BODY GUARDS

MORE ON THIS LATER.........

2009-12-02T23:53:00.003Z

I shall be posting later on my decision not to lay a wreath in East Boldon to commemorate those who have died whilst protecting their country.

Unlike myself of course, who as a naval reservist remains permanently willing to serve my country for expenses, but gets pretty sea sick even on the ferry to North Shields!

MUG SHOTS TO FOLLOW……..

2009-12-02T23:28:00.008Z

It would appear dear fans, that those good for nothing fascists in uniforms have relegated the violation of my privates to a mere statistic.

Let me tell you, my followers, that no stone,or expense claim, shall remain unturned, or unclaimed, in the fight to apprehend the riff raff who dared to intrude in to my back passage.

Despite PC Dibble’s attempt at solving a crime, I have been forced to employ (at somebody elses expense) my own “representatives” in the desire to (intimidate) bring the culprits to justice,

Stinker Milburn (grrrr) has produced his own “Crime Watch” report, together with mug shots.

More of that later.

It is not a case of “Don’t Have Nightmares”…..but more of a case of “Don’t Supply References For These People”.

CASE CLOSED

2009-12-02T22:46:00.006Z

ADDITIONAL POLICE REPORT
AUTHOR: PC DIBBLE

1. I have fully investigated the alleged burglary at Margaret Thatcher Towers. Resources employed include sniffer dogs, DNA analysis, Derek Acorah, Inspector's Morse and Frost. Inspector Rebus refused to work with the investigation team, claiming he could not keep up with Mr Posh’s desire for liquid breaks. I was unable to utilize the services of “A Man Called Ironside” as the premises in question had no disabled access, despite council approved requirements. It has been explained to Mr Posh that his well being does not require MI5, MI6, Special Branch or the Malcovitch Brothers protection. Should he wish to employ his own security consultants, specifically those who beat the s@@t out of their partners (with references), then it is up to him and his Conservative Party.

2. The recovery of any stolen items has not produced any evidence. Local second hand shops claim that the description of goods provided to them indicates that there is little value for resale. They acknowledge that second hand Sky Remotes may have drawn interest, but only if the batteries are included. They are adamant that second hand underwear has no value.

3. I have carried out house to house enquiries in the Cleawood and East Bilburn Ward, but nobody had seen Mr Posh (or any other councillor) since Mr Posh he was elected in 2004 at the age of 13 ¾. They have however, seen a suspicious paper boy in a kilt, and the Mayor’s car full of drunken yobs and yobette’s!

4. Due to the lack of any real evidence, or a realistic list of stolen goods, this incident has been referred to the “Cold Case” squad, or as it is known to the bobby on the beat, the “bin”.

5. This case is now obsolete, though with regards to Mr Posh’s mental state, I have referred him to the following “mentalist” charirties and (councillors) who actually turn up to (meetings) appointments:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3483477/The-30-greatest-conspiracy-theories-part-1.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conspiracy_theory

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/space/5833633/Apollo-11-Moon-landing-conspiracy-theories-debunked.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV8tciBFpCI

THE PUBLICITY CAMPAIGN STARTS NOW

2009-12-02T14:09:00.002Z

Looks like another blog wishes to cover my antics.

Fame, fame, fame!

It’s this type of coverage which will get me re-elected in 2010.

http://blogs.journallive.co.uk/journalblogcentral/2009/12/insert-cheeky-joke-here.html#comments

AN UPDATE ON THE VIOLATION OF MY BACK PASSAGE

2009-11-29T17:53:00.006Z

What ho dear punter, and a good day to you all.

Despite the violation of my privates yesterday, I am feeling slightly better after a good nights sleep at a local hostelry. It’s surprising what you can scrounge when you’re a councillor.

I shall be offering a full review of my stay later on this week.

I have had two very important meetings today.

The first was with Stinker Milburn (grrrr) who has donned his Sherlock Holmes hat and like a dog with a very wet nose unleashed himself on the trail of the robbers and vagabonds who defiled my abode. He has also formulated a theory as to who the suspected candidates are re said violation. More on that later.

My second get together was a visit from the local constabulary who kindly updated me on their efforts to catch the culprits. Being a man of very great self-importance, together with my international standing in the market, PC plod is taking the issue very seriously and has passed on all relevant information to Interpol, MI5, MI6, the CIA, Special Branch, the FBI and Malcovitch Brothers, Insecurity Consultants.

Due to the high security threat which threatens my well being, I have been forced to employ a couple of "minders". They will also be involved in intelligence work, and are charged with producing a list of suspected culprits.

More on that later.

The net is closing and the trap has been set.

The perpetrators of this terrible political crime face a good stretch of porridge at Her Majesty’s pleasure. If I had my way I would deport the lot of them to Scotland.

The post below outlines the full copy of the police report covering this extremely traumatic event.

OFFICIAL POLICE REPORT

2009-11-29T17:29:00.003Z

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
POLICE REPORT RE BURGLARY, MARGARET THATCHER TOWERS.
OFFICER DIBBLE IN ATTENDANCE.

1. I received a call from a hysterical, screaming woman claiming that her house had been broken in to. On arriving at the scene of crime I was made aware that the “woman” was in fact David Posh, a professional market trader and part time councillor. He was in a state of shock and very agitated. The trauma of the event had caused him to slur his words and he was unable to walk in a straight line.
2. After calming down Mr Posh with a treble gin, I carried out a full forensic inspection of the crime scene. Entry had been gained via Mr Posh’s back passage, and broken glass was found outside on the path. The burglar had considerately managed to prevent any broken glass scattering inside the property. I managed to recover some fibres and hairs from the scene. DNA tests have shown that the burglar may have been a horse or a very ugly woman with connections to the circus. I have decided not to follow this line of enquiry as Mr Posh believes the hair may belong to a female acquaintance of his.
3. A list of stolen items has been forwarded to Interpol and will be circulated to all second hand shops in the Borough. Items included a very controversial camera memory card, a small amount of money and a computer hard drive. However, several other high value items were left untouched, including several pairs of men’s underwear and numerous second hand Sky Remotes, though I understand from the victim that they do not include batteries (this may be why the burglar left them untouched).
4. I took the opportunity to ask the victim if he had any idea as to who was behind the robbery. Mr Posh provided me with several leads, including a list of 574 people who voted for Alan Mordain at the last local election, the voters roll for the Beacon and Bents ward, and the entire population of Scotland.
5. Mr Posh is convinced that the robbery is a result of his fame, fortune, political acumen and general well standing in the community. He is clearly still in a state of shock.
6. I shall submit a further report within the next few days.

I HAVE BEEN VIOLATED…….

2009-11-28T22:04:00.004Z

Over the last few weeks I have enlightened you, my dear readers, on the etiquette re the problems of “politics with envy”.

The seriousness of the scenario was brought home to me last night.

As I came back from not attending another Council related meeting, I was greeted with a terrible state of affairs!

Margaret Thatcher Towers had been invaded!

And not by the Hun!

There was glass all over the outside of the window, my keys were in the door, and the house alarm had been left in the “idle” position!

I had been burgled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I quickly paid the taxi on council expenses, sobered up, and realized that the atrocious mess had nothing to do with me.

It soon occurred to yours truly that I had been targeted for my political leadership qualities!

Yes dear reader, I had been “turned over” for my fame!

But as you know me, my fans – “The Posh” is not the type of person who lies down, takes it, and has his private area violated!!!!

Jeepers, I will fight to the last!

First things first.

I have lodged an insurance claim for:

75 stolen Sky second hand remotes (batteries not included).

However, several other personal items were left untouched.

Mickey Mouse Rolex Watch – Original as sold to me at Hull Market, 2007.

10 Euros (left for all to see) valued by Trader Gash/px14/PaulPenfold/CastleMain4X at £10,000 (that’s why I am a market trader dear reader – I know how to “deal”)

Stinker Milburn’s (grrr!) underpants

McWoody’s (uhhh!) underpants.

The Cheeky Girls underpants.

What was actually stolen is listed below:

1. Stinker Milburn’s (grrrr!) camera memory card re his “campaign” and girly constituency activities!
2. McWoody’s paper round map.
3. My “hard drive” with details for my plans re that vixen Allen (down tiger).

However, I have taken steps to protect my underpants (sorry, I mean property) from further attacks.

My initial reaction was to consult my good friends the Malcovitch Brothers, Insecurity Consultants.

But as they have said, “Posh, we look after you when it comes to your expenses claims, so go and @@@@ yourself”. They did however, remind me of my good friend and confidante Carl Zanitte.

Carl, or as he is known to his friends, “Bully” (he has a black belt in “Jenga”), is known for his ability to deal with the “unknown”.

When I say “unknown”, I of course mean lippy, yappy females who deserve a good slap.

When I say slap, I of course mean a good hiding with a knife – for that is Carl’s specialty, beating the pulp out of those (especially woman) who have no way of defending themselves.

That’s why he is looking after Margaret Thatcher Towers – I wanted to scare you and strike the fear of god into you with the knowledge that yours truly associates with people who are prepared to knock the shit out of women.

And I promote the fact that I do.

If in doubt, see my twitterings!

http://twitter.com/davidpotts101/status/6131119065

How hard am I, Mr. Burglar, how hard!

PS - Over the next few days I shall be posting a full crime report re the violation of Margaret Thatcher Towers.

Those of a faint heart should look away………soon!

FAME AT LAST

2009-11-23T14:11:00.005Z

Reports are reaching the ears of your truly that stickers have been seen in the Cleawood and East Bilburn ward advertising this site.

Apparently bus stops, transport crossings and public houses are all displaying small adverts promoting my little on line diary.

I know I have a large fan base, and whilst I don’t in any way promote the idea of fly posting, at least now the voters of my ward will finally be able to read about what I really get up to on their behalf.

Who needs letters in The Gazette when you’ve got the ticket machines at the Metro advertising your site?

Fame at last!

MAN ABOUT TOWN

2009-11-23T10:56:00.001Z

For those of you who have a particular penchant for the sartorial but elegant, you may find the site below helpful in your desires to rise above the level of “mediocre”.

I personally wouldn’t shop anywhere else!

http://www.thechap.net/

WHAT A CHEEK!

2009-11-23T09:08:00.005Z

Many thanks to all my fans who have contacted me about the picture I had taken with the “Cheeky Girls”. Your emails, flowers and phone calls have been much appreciated.

Some of you have also posed a couple of rather pertinent questions and I am happy to supply the following answers.

Firstly, the jumper I have on is part of the “Farah Winter Action” range, and is also available in grey, double grey and dull. I have used my market trading connections to acquire a pallet of said jumpers, which I shall be trading in over the next few days. If you have the style to wear the garment, you’ll have to be quick as demand is going to be heavy.

Secondly, I’m not sure if I missed a council meeting in order to attend the lunch. The issue here is that my presence at this little shindig served the public good to a greater degree than my attendance at any meeting ever would.

Thirdly, yes it is true that the “Cheeky Girls” referred to Stinker (grrrr!) and I as the “Cheeky Boys”!

“We are the Cheeky Girls
We are the Cheeky Girls
You are the Cheeky Boys
You are the Cheeky Boys”

Poetry in motion dear readers, poetry in motion.

http://twitpic.com/qjr90

WHERE’S THE GRATITUDE?

2009-11-23T08:38:00.003Z

One of the major drawbacks of having a high political and entrepreneurial profile is that the public can sometimes expect too much from you. Take for example my chum and prospective parliamentary candidate (grrr!), Stinker Milburn.

Last week Stinker (in his own time I must say) organized a ward surgery for Cleawood and East Bilburn. Sadly, due to the fact that he had no access to the Mayor’s limo and with lots of more worthy things to do, he was 25 minutes late. Sadly, the rabble that had turned up were a bit miffed, moaning on about “lives to lead”, “jobs to do” and in one case, “children to pick up”.

This episode shows that it is impossible to make some people happy. They should be grateful that Stinker actually decided to hold a surgery, never mind whining on about the fact he was late.

The great unwashed must realize that as members of the electorate, their job is to serve their public representatives, not the other way round!

TWO ARSES!

2009-11-21T21:54:00.004Z

When it comes to feeding the needy, the starving, the oppressed and the afflicted, there is nobody quicker to the front of the buffet queue than yours truly, closely followed by non other than Stinker Milburn himself.

Whilst old Milber’s might have had a cheek to pull the wool from under my hooves when it came to who should stand against that great ball dribbler and expenses stalwart Stephen Hepburn MP, at least he had the decency to invite me to meet and eat with that great vocal duet, “The Cheeky Girls”. (McWoody couldn’t make it, he had his paper round to finish).

The Monster Munch was free which made it wonderful; though the chat was limited (Stinker struggles with English, never mind that strange Slav dialect the two ladies have picked up).

I admire Stinker; he has the ability to spin many, many plates. His recent antics may have escaped the eyes of Mrs Stinker, but the rest of the negatives have yet to be developed.

Perhaps I may just get that nomination!

NOTE: I PREFER TO TRADE IN $!

GROOVY BABY

2009-11-19T16:14:00.004Z

Some time ago I found out that local DJ MC Diddy was writing a song about yours truly. I have just received a copy of said ode and what a cracker it is. It makes me very proud to have a song written about me.

I have copied the lyrics below so you can sing along with me. The tune is based on a popular song by that 60’s beat combo, “The Kinks”.

Stinker, McWoody and I will be getting low down to this groove at a local night club near you!

“I am a dull and simple fop
Cannot tell water from champagne
and I have never met the Queen
And I wish I could have all he has got –

I wish I could be like David Posh

And when I lie on my pillow at night
I dream I could trade like David Posh
And lead the Conservative Group to victory
Take my expenses and spend the lot

He is the head boy of the three
He is the captain of the group
His is so gay (but not that way) and fancy free
And I wish I could have all the Sky remotes (batteries not included) he's got

I wish I could be like David Posh

And all the girls in the Red Lion
Try to go out with David Posh
They try their best but can't succeed
For he is of pure and noble greed”

http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/K/kinkslyrics/kinksdavidwattslyrics.htm

I LOVE A MOAT........

2009-11-19T10:00:00.001Z

As most readers know, I am not only a well known and well heeled “man about town”, but I am also a “man about the country”. My business and political interests take me to some fantastic places and I am always happy to recommend various venues of pleasure that I have frequented.

With this in mind, please follow the link below. Just scroll down via the side bar to see what I had to say about the gaff.

Nothing is to “posh” for The Posh!

http://www.moathouse.co.uk/index.php?pagesub=9